Soooo….I’ve been a bad blogger. It’s been over two months since my last post and I vowed to write once a month at least. Sometimes life gets in the way. This time, mostly in a good way. The only negative reason was that my computer was dying on me for awhile (but has now been restored). Positive reasons: meeting Edward’s family and having him meet mine, Edward moving back here and having more time because he was in between jobs (which meant more time with him, less with computer), picking out our first flat together, and now picking out all of our furniture inside of that flat. We now happily have a beautiful place that’s all our own (at least for 2 years) and have adopted and adorable pussy too. We’re looking forward to many kinky adventures in this place. To begin with, starting tonight he will be either chained to the bed or in chastity at all times. We will see how that one goes. And now, without further ado, Day 3 of 30 Days of Dominance.
How do you know you are a Dominant or have the potential to be Dominant? How do you feel when you express your Dominance?
Everyone has the potential to be dominant. How you ‘know’ is whether you find yourself drawn to it, whether you think it would be fun. I’m not someone who always takes control, who always wants to be the leader, who always asserts themselves easily or knows what they want right away. But dominance appealed to me. The idea of hurting someone appealed to me. The idea of training someone to be deeply mine – to obey me, to love me, to desire my direction – appealed to me. The idea of submitting was not abhorrent to me; it would be devaluing my desired partners if it was. I’ve tried submitting more than once and have enjoyed my experiences. I would never rule out the idea that one day I may submit again, perhaps even in a deep and long-term way. However, right now, and throughout most of my experiences with BDSM and BDSM practitioners I was drawn to and enjoy dominance. That is all that makes me dominant; nothing more, nothing less.
Expressing my dominance, when I’m really in the moment, feels incredible. It’s a rush, a high. I feel aroused, sexy, powerful, sure of myself and of our relationship, very connected to Edward. I feel limitless and lucky: so grateful to have found someone willing and eager to obey who is compatible with me not only when I’m expressing my dominance, but also when I’m not. There’s also a hard edge. There’s a giddiness that can make me apathetic to Edward’s desires, which I have to constantly quell. We like pushing the boundaries, but I also always have to remain in control of my own actions. I can never fully give in to this dark force inside of me that wants to consume, devour, use, and destroy. So expressing my dominance feels like a controlled fervor. It rolls over me and I monitor it, telling it how far it can go and when to stop. Being be a good dominant means not only learning to control another, but also learning how to control yourself.
Day 2 – Describe what you are looking for in a submissive and the techniques you might use to instill those characteristics in your submissive. Are you exclusively Dominant in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you Dominant only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you Dominant to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?
When looking for a submissive, I first look for someone who I like as a person. Those are things that you just can’t instill in someone if they’re not already there. I also look for someone who genuinely enjoys pleasing me rather than someone who is looking for someone to fulfill his very specific fantasies. Beyond that, and into the realm of things you can teach, I like someone who’s an excellent masseuse, good at taking pain, allows my cock inside of them, and can assume a meek demeanor. I teach these things with patience by instruction and practice.
I prefer to be dominant not just inside the bedroom, but out as well. However, I’m not super bossy in my day-to-day life with people other than my submissive. I assert myself, but I don’t generally like to dominate people without their consent. However, with my slave I can give him instructions whenever, wherever. I do take his opinions into account, and I often invite them, but I have the final say when I want it. I like it that way.
I am dominant not just with my slave, but also with play partners. Occasionally I bottom to others, but usually just to be tied up or beaten pleasantly. More often than not though, it’s me topping with play partners. I’ve stopped playing in public so much though because it’s started to feel rather performative. Occasionally I’ll meet someone I really want to play with though, and I appreciate the public setting to try things out and get to know each other.
Today my blog turns two! First of all I’d like to thank my readers new and old for being interested in what I have to say and sharing me with their friends! Without your support and comments I would just be here talking to myself. Hopefully what I have to say helps some of you just as blogs like Bitchy Jones’ Diary helped me. In the spirit of helping, I decided to come up with some guidelines on how to go from a curious newbie to a competent top, as this is one of the questions I often get in my email and comments, and it’s never an entirely straightforward journey. I should note that this entry was a joint effort between Edward and I. I couldn’t have done it without him.
1) Identify and become comfortable with your interest in topping.
Realize that you’re kinky. This sounds easy, but it’s often not. Both Edward and I, to some extent, didn’t realize that what we liked to do sexually was a bit odd until we were in our late teens. Once you realize this, you also need to acknowledge that what you like to do requires special consent. You can’t just assume that because someone wants to make out with you they want you to gnaw the fuck out of their neck or pull their hair even if that seems perfectly normal to you.
You’re not an abomination. Once you realize you’re not quite ‘normal’, you also have to accept that you’re also not wrong. Just because the majority of people don’t like hurting consenting others, tying them up, or bossing them around doesn’t mean that you are evil for wanting those things. For me, I think it helped that I had to come out to myself as bisexual before I came out to myself as kinky. I grew up in a very religious household, but I had come to accept that my bisexuality was not an abomination and had learned to accept a humanist ethical code. I had already had several years to get comfortable with the idea that if your actions are not harmful to yourself or others, then there’s nothing wrong with them. It didn’t take me long to recognize that consensual masochism, bottoming and submission are not harmful to those involved.
Even if you are Christian (I’m afraid I’m not familiar with other religious texts: commenters feel free to pitch in) Matthew 7:12 says, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets”. Even though I’m no longer Christian, I still think this is a pretty good rule. While as a top you may not be interested in bottoming, if you can accept that others truly love bottoming, then you can see that both of two people can be fulfilled by engaging in BDSM together. And as a bonus, ‘sex’ doesn’t have to be involved!
As a follow up from the Golden Rule, you need to also realize that just because someone else’s kinks are different from yours doesn’t mean that theirs are wrong while yours are right. The kinky kaleidoscope is one of the beautiful things about human sexuality. Judge not lest ye be judged!
2) Identify what about kink interests you.
I use kink as an umbrella term for both BDSM and things that fall outside of (but often overlap with) the BDSM realm like fetishes. Just to clarify for the newbies, topping tends to be the person performing an action, regardless of whether that’s tying someone up, beating them, or telling them to sit still while being tickled. The BDSM alphabet soup stands for the following:
B is for bondage. Tying people up, wrapping them in Saran wrap/cling film, putting them in a cage or chaining them to the wall with cuffs are all examples of things a bondage top might do.
D is for domination or discipline. Dominants like to give orders that are dutifully followed by a submissive or slave. This can occur from a scene-by-scene basis (which can be for just a few minutes or several hours) to a constant dynamic (which is known as 24/7). Orders can consist of anything from, “Take off my shoes!” to “Hold this ball against the wall with your nose for an hour, and if it falls you will get one cane stroke for every minute shy of the hour”. It just depends on what the dominant and submissive are both interested in. It should be noted that not all dominants like administering pain, but some do.
S is for submission. This is where the BDSM acronym gets a little ridiculous as S actually stands for both submission and sadism. I know it’s a bit strange, but just go with it. Submissives can have a myriad of individual interests, but their main kink is doing things because their top/Dom/Owner said so. Whether it is kneeling at their partner’s feet while watching tv, reorganizing their dom’s library, or fucking the shit out of their dom, they enjoy being bossed around by the person of their choice. Note that submissives don’t necessarily like doing anything their top/Dom/Owner tells them to, and you should never assume that just because you’re a top a sub will do whatever you say. Furthermore, not every sub wants to be your sub, and you should never assume otherwise. Doing so would make you a douche dom.
S is also for sadism. If you are a sadist, then you enjoy other people’s pain. In the BDSM community, this often takes the form of impact play: some form of hittie thing (hand, flogger, cane, bullwhip) is used to inflict pain on a bottom or submissive. The motto safe, sane, and consensual is often used as an indicator of what’s ok when it comes to sadism (and topping generally). While sadists may enjoy the idea of people’s pain regardless of consent, it’s only ok to act on hurting people with their consent. Fantasies are one thing, but when it comes down to reality, if they didn’t say you could do that, don’t do it.
M is for masochism. A masochist enjoys pain. This doesn’t tend to be pain of the stubbing-one’s-toe variety. Masochists usually enjoy receiving pain from people they are attracted to. Masochists are not necessarily submissive. You can be a dominant masochist, a submissive masochist, or just a pure masochist with no desire for power games.
Switching. A switch is someone who likes being both top and bottom or Dom and sub (or in my case Dom and bottom). You may find that you’re just interested in one of these things, or you may be interested in trying them all out. Feel free to try a few things out before deciding what feels best for you. I should also mention that BDSM does not have to be sexual. While there often is a sexual element, some people experience BDSM as a non-sexual thing. If this is true for any of my readers, feel free to tell us more about that in the comments.
Fetishes. Overlapping with BDSM, and certainly within the realm of kinky, are fetishes. A fetish is when something non-sexual becomes a sexual stimulus. Strictly speaking, someone is only considered a fetishist if they cannot orgasm without this thing being present, but it’s often used in a more casual way to mean that the presence of said thing greatly enhances the sexual experience. Fetishists can be interested in BDSM, but don’t have to be. For example, a foot fetishist might like licking your feet because it makes him feel submissive, but he may also just love feet in the same way that many men love boobs. A good bit of boob touching, licking, etc. doesn’t make someone submissive, and similarly, liking to lick someone’s feet doesn’t necessarily make you submissive. Other common fetishes include furries (people who derive sexual pleasure from dressing up or seeing people dressed up as animals or some sort of human-animal combo), splosh (getting off on people being covered in wet or messy substances such as whipped cream, custard, mud, etc.), body piercings, hair (long, red, shaved, stubbly, you name it, someone has a fetish for it), leather, and latex. All of these fetishes can overlap with BDSM, but don’t have to, and there are many, many, many more fetishes. As above, if someone else has different kinks than you but is still playing in a safe, sane, and consensual way, be cool man, be cool.
Finding your kinks. If you have realized that you’re interested in being a D/s top, you need to figure out what kind of things you’d like to order your bottom/submissive to do. There are lots of options. Some people enjoy tease and denial (which can involve chastity), others enjoy being pampered with massages, some love dictating exactly what happens during sex, others enjoy giving pain to demonstrate power, while others revel in receiving pain in exactly the way they like. Some people (like me) enjoy all of these together (though not at the same time, that would be a little crazy). To get ideas about what you might like you can read erotica, check out some tumblrs, or just let your mind rove through all of the fun things you might like to explore. And remember, just because you don’t see what you envision in other people’s porn doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. There is no one way to be kinky.
3) Find a partner (whether for a scene or for life).
This can be tricky, particularly if you don’t live in a booming metropolis. It’s good to be open initially to trying out different roles and activities as long as they don’t just completely turn you off. Edward and I suspected that we were submissive and dominant, respectively, but we both started out playing in the opposing role because we found people we liked and wanted to get some BDSM experience even if it wasn’t exactly what we had in mind. We both enjoyed our experiences and learned a lot from them, but eventually were able to live out the roles we felt drawn to initially. Now we consider ourselves switches, though I lean dominant and he leans submissive. And while I would recommend trying out different roles, I wouldn’t recommend marrying a dom if you feel like you’re a dom until you’ve at least had a chance to dominate someone (unless you’re committed to having an open marriage).
You will have to put yourself out there a little bit if you want to find kinky partners. That can mean being open with your friends about it so that they might recommend another kinky friend to you, that can mean using a vanilla dating site that has a fair number of kinky folk, you can get involved in online BDSM forums, or go to munches (casual kinky meet-ups). I lived in a small town when I first started getting interested in BDSM, so I used a vanilla dating site to find other kinky people nearby. I met Edward at my local munch.
4) Plan a scene based on your own and your partner’s interests.
Now that you’ve identified what you’re interested in and found a willing partner to try things out with you, you need to plan a scene. First find some mutual interests, and then start plotting things out. You won’t always need to plan scenes, but Edward and I both found this to be a helpful tool when we were first topping as it allows you to relax a little because you know what’s coming next and aren’t pressured to come up with things on the spot. You can also use scene planning as a time to educate yourself. Do you want to tie someone up? Then you’re going to need to learn how to do that. This is a great list of references for BDSM jargon, starting relationships, bondage tutorials, safety, techniques and activities and more. Do you want to flog your partner? Then you need to know where on their body to do that. Here is a primer on impact play, which is any kind of beating with hands, paddles, floggers, crops, whips, canes, etc. A great book to start with to get good information on safety as well as some ideas for scenes is SM101. Another great resource for all sorts of kinky things is Kink Academy. Edward recommends thinking of the end result you want (i.e. your submissive tied up and begging to fuck), think of the steps necessary to get to that point, and then learn what you need to learn to do that in a safe and confident manner. Here is a list of ideas of actual activities to do. Feel free to comment with scene ideas for kinksters new and old (though indicate if the scene is for more advanced players).
5) Enjoy your scene and scenes to come.
You need to have a safe word. This gives you both the ability to end the scene at any point if either of you find it’s just not working for you. A common system is stop lights: green for all good, yellow to indicate that things are getting a little too intense, and red to indicate that the scene needs to be stopped immediately. Some people use the number system for impact play with new partners to get an idea of their pain tolerance. After a few strokes the top might ask the bottom how painful that was on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being excruciatingly painful and 1 being not at all painful. Edward has also used a squeezing system to check in with subs without interrupting the scene. You can take their hand in yours and they can squeeze once for good, twice for bad. If your bottom/sub is gagged, then you will need to give them a non-verbal way of indicating a scene should stop. For example, they can hold onto a ball that can be dropped if it’s all getting to be too much. Even when you have safewords, you still need to be observant. A bottom/slave may try not to use their safeword when perhaps they should, or they may enter sub space and become unable to safeword. Take things slowly when you’re getting to know a new partner. It’s better to stop a scene or slow it down a bit earlier than you both might like than to take things too far, and reach a point where that bottom/sub never wants to play with you again.
Don’t take your partner’s limits as your to-do list. If a new partner has told you that they are terribly afraid of clowns, you should not take this to mean that you should break out the clowns to really up the fear factor. In a long term D/s relationship a subs fears may be something that can eventually be explored (with their consent), but this is not where you should go for your first scenes. When they tell you what they like, listen to them and do some of that. If there’s some things that you love and they don’t mind, you can do that as well, but respect their limits.
Adopt an alter ego if that helps you. When it comes to actually carrying out the scene, things will often feel a bit unnatural at first. This is perfectly normal. While I’ve made a point of saying that women don’t need to wear corsets and heels in order to be dominant, if wearing a sexy outfit makes you feel powerful, then it may be helpful to use that at least for the first few times. However, if you feel most powerful in fluffy bunny slippers, then you should go with that. At first you might not feel like a very dominant person. Initially you might want to imagine someone whose power you admire and step into their shoes. This is the basic logic behind role playing – you can tap into an alter ego that allows you to do things you might otherwise find difficult. Maybe you want to become a doctor, a librarian, a professor, or a burglar. Anything that feels sexy and powerful to you could help you get into your top groove. If you don’t need this role playing to tie people up, give commands, or hurt them, then don’t worry about it, just be you. However, if you’re not sure you could do it on your own, but feel like you could with a little help from your alter ego, then go for it.
I first started getting interested in BDSM after I acted as a dominatrix in a play. I wore the traditional get-up of corset, high heels, make-up, and a flogger. When I did my first scene as a top I took these trappings with me, and they helped me assume the persona that I wanted. As I did more scenes I found I didn’t need those things in order to be dominant, but I do think they helped when I was nervous and unsure. An analogy for this is learning to play the guitar: some people can automatically start writing their own songs, but for most you learn other people’s songs first until you’re comfortable with the skill set, and then you can go on to express yourself. Similarly, tapping into a person or archetype’s power can help you as you learn new skills, and then once you have the basics down, you can start to make things up as you go along.
Use a blindfold. Another tool to use when you’re a bit nervous and unsure is a blindfold. I’ve been topping for six years now, but I still feel a little silly when I’m trying out a new bondage tie. What to do? Blindfold my slave! If they can’t see you as you retie a knot for the third time, you may feel a little more relaxed.
Don’t feel like you have to talk the whole time. Trying to figure out what to say during a scene can be difficult when you’re getting your bearings as a top. Feel free to give your bottom/sub clear instructions, but leave it at that. If your partner has expressed to you that they really like it when you talk to them, then follow Dan Savage’s basic dirty talk advice: say what you just did, say what you’re doing, and say what you’re going to do. If you get inspired along the way, then go with that, but don’t feel pressured to call someone a dirty little whore if that’s not what either of you wants. Edward particularly likes it when I tell him what I’m going to do to him because it builds anticipation. For example, “I’m tying you up now because I’m going to whip you later, and I don’t want you moving around too much when you’re in pain”. This adds a psychological element to play: sometimes fear of something can be even more intense than the actual event itself. However, when you’re just starting out, stick to basic instructions until you feel comfortable saying more.
If you enjoy a scene, you can always repeat it. Don’t feel like you have to craft a completely new scene each time you play with someone. If you really enjoyed a scene, and it went well, you can always repeat it. If you’re in a D/s relationship, you can even do it every day if that makes you both happy. Eventually it might even become a ritual, which can be a daily reminder of your D/s dynamic.
The scene won’t always go perfectly. Try to be flexible. Maybe you were planning on keeping your sub in a really difficult bondage position and flogging them until they had nice welts, but that position just isn’t working for them and their pain threshold is low that day. These things happen. If you deal with this well by changing positions or dialing down on the pain, you’ll be able to try again another day or find an equally sexy position that allows them to be more in the moment.
If you’re switching with a long-term partner for the first time, you need to treat them like a new partner. Edward and I switched for a month at one point in our relationship, and while some things went well, others didn’t because we both felt like we already knew each other, and thus did not need to communicate quite as much as we would usually do with a new partner. We forgot about the importance of debriefing, which I will cover next.
6) Aftercare and debriefing
Aftercare. After you’ve finished a scene, it’s important to give your bottom/sub some sugar either literally or metaphorically. If you’re casual play partners (particularly non-sexual ones) you may just want to fix them some hot chocolate and wrap them up in a blanket, but if you are sexual partners, then cuddling is usually a good idea. Check in and make sure they are all right. Bottoms and subs can experience what is called sub drop. A scene can often be exhausting, and create adrenalin and endorphins, so afterwords bottoms often experience a crash. Snuggles and sugar often act as an antidote. Tops can also experience top drop, which is a similar crash after a high, but is more from the psychological experience than the physical. These drops can occur anywhere from minutes to a day or two later, so just treat yourself and your partner nicely and know that if you’re a little sad after scenes, that’s perfectly normal.
Debriefing. Debriefing is particularly important with a new partner, but can be used with a long-term partner as well. After a scene it’s good to discuss what went well and what did not for both of you. If something didn’t work, it’s important to figure out why. When I was a submissive in my first D/s relationship one scene didn’t go well at all: I was having trouble relaxing or taking much pain. My dom stopped the scene and we had a chat and realized that I was mad at him because he said he’d arrive at 8 and didn’t get there until 10, and that was just completely keeping me from enjoying the scene. It wasn’t that the pain was too much or I didn’t like being wrapped in chains, I just wasn’t happy with him and needed to discuss that before being able to relax and let go. Similarly, it may be that a bottom can take lots of pain, but not when they are in a certain position. Finding out what specifically did not work will help you figure out what does work. Asking your partner what they would like to do again is also great because it allows you to create an experience that’s thoroughly pleasurable for both of you.
7) Continue exploring and developing new skills
Each partner is a new challenge. Don’t assume that what worked for you and your last partner will work with a new partner. Conversely, a new partner may have things they like to do that were off-limits for another partner. If you are switching, don’t assume that what works for you as a bottom/sub will work for your partner as a bottom/sub. Always communicate about interests, limits, and triggers before jumping in.
Approach new skills with humility. Just because you’re awesome at flogging people now doesn’t mean you can pick up a bull whip and use it without practicing first on something that isn’t your partner. I’ve been using paddles, floggers, canes, crops, and a dragon tail for awhile now, but when I got my mini bullwhip for Christmas, I knew that this wasn’t something that I could just start using on Edward right out of the box. Some skills need to be practiced alone before playing with others, and more basic skills should be mastered before moving on to more advanced skills. In the bondage world, for example, it’s best not to attempt suspension bondage before getting comfortable with safely tying someone up on the ground. When it comes to impact play, beginners can try leather straps, floggers, and crops with some basic information about where to hit, where not to hit, and cautions about wrap-around (when using a flogger, strap, cane, or any hitty thing with some length you need to try to avoid letting it wrap around the body, which can create deeper welts than the top was intending). When practicing these skills on a person, it’s best to do it on an experienced sub who will tell you when you’re hitting them in a bad location or when wrap-around is occurring. Similarly, some basic ties can be practiced on another individual right away, so long as the top is aware that they need to avoid cutting off the blood supply by leaving a finger’s width of wiggle room, and they have some bondage scissors so they can cut the bottom out of the ropes in case of an emergency (these scissors are used to ensure that in cutting your bottom out of bondage you don’t cut them too). Below is a table of activities appropriate for different skill levels and trust levels.
Decide how frequently you want to be dominant. How much you want to become dominant in your day-to-day life if you have a long-term partner is up to the two of you. This is a good guide to different levels of power dynamics. You may find that you like having this separate identity that you can step into and out of whenever you like. Conversely, you may find yourself wanting to become more assertive, decisive, and dominant outside of the bedroom as well. In my case, it was the latter. I grew up in a pretty traditional household with my father as the head of the family. I was socialized to always be nice and compliant. I was still sometimes bossy throughout school, and took the lead in group settings pretty naturally, but I wanted to use BDSM not only to explore my kinks, but also to work on becoming a stronger woman. A recent TED talk I watched suggests this strategy might work! This isn’t to say that there aren’t plenty of assertive, decisive subs out there (or doms who don’t need the practice). Some subs may be happy to sub because they have to boss people around so much in their daily lives that they want a bit of a break. For me, domming is a path to growth as well as orgasms. Others may need different things to grow, or may like BDSM to just be a bit of kinky fun.
Keep an open mind. Things that you used to find weird may start to appeal to you as you come to understand them more. Be open to that, and allow yourself to change and evolve. One of the great things about kink is that it turns sex into a never-ending journey of discovery both of the self and of you partner. Enjoy the ride!
Day 1 – Does your Dominance – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your preferred Dominant style as Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?
I prefer an Owner/slave style, Dominant/submissive, or Top/bottom style depending on what context I’m in. I have my slave/fiance Edward, but we have an open relationship in which I’m free to play with others. I like topping and bottoming to other people sometimes, and might at some point have another Dominant/submissive relationship with someone else, but doubt I would ever have another slave. I enjoy both the novelty of playing with new people in public and the intimacy of playing with my well-used slave in private.
As far as labels themselves go, they can be useful, but also limiting. As I’ve discussed, ‘dominant’ and ‘submissive’ can be heavily loaded terms. ‘Dominant’ is taken to mean masculine, sadistic, assertive, penetrator, while ‘submissive’ is taken to mean feminine, masochistic, meek, and penetrated. When I say that I am Dominant and my slave’s Owner I mean that I give my slave orders and he follows them. This is true whether I order him to put his chastity device on, give me a massage, fuck me, bite me, cuddle with me, kneel before me, bring me my scalpel so I can carve my name into his chest, or cane me. We use labels, but do not let them dictate our relationship.
I am very excited to announce that I have made Between My Sheets’ list of the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2012! Not only that, but I’m number 14! How awesome is that? I’m really honored that one of my beloved readers has nominated me and that Rori has decided she likes my stuff. I’d like to take this chance to thank Rori for taking the time to make this list, and to thank all of you for reading.
Being commended in this way also makes me want to live up to my ranking! So, I will now state publicly what I’ve made my personal goal, but sometimes fall short of: I plan on writing at least once a month every month in this blog for the next year. This is also a good time to ask for some feedback. What do you guys like reading? What do you dislike reading? Are there any topics that you’d love to see me address? I write this blog partially so I can meander through my own thoughts on some of these issues, but also so I can help other people through similar journeys, so if you think there’s a way I could help, do tell! I’ve found writing this blog both challenging and enjoyable, and look forward to another year of it.
And, for those month long stretches between my posts, here are 99 other bloggers to check out:
100. YOU! As always, I want to leave a place on this list for ALL the awesome sex bloggers out there! So please leave a comment on Between My Sheets with your name/URL to tell us about your sexy blog!
My slave and I recently had our first ‘slaveaversary’, i.e. it has been a year since he entered slavery. With this, we also signed a new year-long slave contract that I thought I would post on here. When I was first looking into putting him into slavery I had a hard time finding sensible rules, which I think are helpful for both slave and Master. I stumbled across this contract and set of slave rules, which I then edited to fit our needs. We both know where the lines are because of this contract. Though it was nice to look back over it this year and think, “wow, we barely need this any more”. We’re basically getting to the point where the rules are just “you do whatever I tell you to do, but I won’t tell you to do something you can’t do, and I take responsibility for the results of what I’ve told you to do”. However, at least for this year, we still signed a contract. Not legally binding of course, but there so we know where we both stand at the moment. Without further ado, here it is:
Contract of Voluntary Slavery
1.1 Binding Agreement
This document, dated THIRTEENTH day of NOVEMBER 2012 (herein known as the “start date“), is a one year contract of voluntary slavery between xxxxx xxxxxx herein referred to as “Master“, “Sir“, “Her” or the related form “Master’s“, etc. and xxxx xxxxx herein referred to as “slave“, “sex slave“, “pain slave“, “servant” or “it” or the related forms “its” or “itself“.
The agreement consists of 8 main clauses with numerous sub-clauses within them and supersedes any previous contract or agreement.
slave, through signing this contract, is binding itself totally and completely, without limit (except as explicitly defined below), irrevocably to servitude to Master. slave relinquishes all legal and cultural (and both explicit and presumed) rights, privileges, prerogatives and status to Master to become Her property as a slave for Her to own and use as She sees fit.
This contract is binding for one calendar year from the start date until 23:59 (GMT) on THIRTEENTH day of November 2013 (herein known as the “term of the contract“).
2.1 slave’s Affirmation
slave affirms that it is signing this contract of its own free will without pressure or coercion of any kind, that it is of sound mind and body and is not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. slave further affirms that it fully understands the meaning and implications of this contract and explicitly requests it be enforced in full, and at all times, as defined below for the duration of the contract.
slave understands that it will be used for sex as a sex slave, as a servant with domestic chores and duties and also as a pain slave for bondage and punishment sessions that will be real, inescapable, unstoppable and also severely painful.
slave requests that no third party group, individual, organization or body interfere in any way to prevent slave from fulfilling its obligations of servitude and obedience to Master as defined in this contract and for the full term of the contract.
3.1 slave’s Responsibilities
slave will willingly, freely and to the best of its ability serve Sir sexually in any way She requires.
slave will willingly, freely and to the best of its ability serve Sir as a servant performing any and all household duties including, but not limited to, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing and generally maintaining Sir’s home when instructed to do so.
slave will willingly accept any punishment from Sir and for whatever reason, including purely for Sir’s pleasure as a pain slave, but within the limits defined in section 4 below. Punishment may take any form Sir deems fit including, but not limited to, corporal punishment, bondage, chastity, removal of privileges including food or sleep, hard work or degrading, humiliating or pointless tasks.
slave will willingly, freely and to the best of its ability immediately obey any order, or perform any action, demanded by Sir.
slave will willingly, freely and to the best of its ability obey all rules set out for it by Sir and live by them whether or not it is in Sir’s presence. slave is responsible for listing all such rules in a “rules of slavery” document. Rules for slave can be changed at any time by Sir and apply immediately.
slave will willingly, freely and to the best of its ability submit to any training, and any training methods Master wishes to use or apply to it to better serve Her to meet Her needs.
slave will always be completely honest and truthful and never lie to Sir or omit to mention all facts, actions or inactions, or any breaches of the rules and responsibilities inherent upon it through this contract and associated rules of slavery document.
slave will never make any excuses for any failures or any of its actions, inactions or any breaches of this contract or the associated rules of slavery document.
slave will show Sir the utmost respect at all times. This includes in any discussions, actions or activities with third parties and applies whether Sir is present or not.
slave will always endeavor to improve itself physically and mentally to better serve Sir.
slave will always be available to serve Sir when required except by prior agreement with Sir or for work or family responsibilities.
Sir has the right to define rules, for any period of time up to the term of the contract, that require slave to seek permission from Sir while in Her presence to perform any and all independent actions such as making sounds, moving, bodily functions like urinating and defecating, and eating, drinking and sleeping. Master may also choose to allow slave to perform any or all of these actions independently to avoid being bothered unnecessarily by slave’s base functions.
3.2 slave’s Veto
slave has no veto over any actions Sir wishes it to perform except within the limits defined in section 4 below or where such actions may result in prosecution under the law e.g. public nudity/indecency.
slave has no “safe word” to use to stop any action or punishment.
slave has the right to respectfully refuse to perform any action for, or accept any punishment from, Sir when Sir is under the influence of alcohol or drugs. In such circumstances slave must, when Sir is no longer under the influence of alcohol or drugs, submit itself for any punishment Sir sees fit.
3.3 slave’s Possessions and Finances
Sir has the right to make full and unlimited use of all slave’s material goods, possessions and any other assets as Her own and do so whether slave is present or not. This includes, but is not limited to slave’s home, car, clothes, household or electrical goods and any bondage, punishment or other control items or materials.
Sir has the right to require Her slave to acquire any new material goods, possessions or assets as She sees fit up to the value of $500 per month.
slave will maintain an independent bank account and retain full responsibility for any saving and for any debts, or services provided, in its name including, but not limited to, mortgages, loans, taxes, and any household, food, clothing or utility bills. Sir has the right to inspect, at any time, any and all of slave’s financial records including, but not limited to, bank, mortgage, credit and debit card accounts.
Sir has the right to set financial rules for slave to live by – including severe limits on spending.
Sir has the right to make slave pay for any goods and services it uses while serving Her, or equivalent value goods and services to ensure it is not a financial burden on Her.
3.4 Sir’s Responsibilities
Sir accepts that slave is a valuable possession and as such Sir will keep slave safe at all times.
Sir will not instruct slave to perform any unsafe acts or anything that is listed in the limits defined in section 4.
3.5 Third Parties
slave may have no other ongoing partners sexual or otherwise without the express agreement of Sir. slave is permitted to play with others at parties or seize one-night-stand opportunities without consulting Sir beforehand, but will always use condoms for PIV or anal sex and play safely. slave is required to disclose any and all play and/or sexual encounters to Sir in a timely manner.
Sir is free to have other female partners on an ongoing basis, and other male partners on a limited basis. Sir may see the same man sexually up to, but not exceeding once per month. Sir may play with people at parties or have one night stands whenever She wants without consulting slave, but will always use condoms for PIV or anal sex, and will play safely.
Master may expect slave to serve in public or private, alone or in front of others where such service is socially acceptable.
Master may instruct slave to serve another person or persons, transferring any or all Her rights and responsibilities under sections 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.3 of this contract and in the related rules of slavery document to that person or persons, for any period of time up to the term of the contract. Master may, or may not, be present while slave serves third parties but remains ultimately responsible for ensuring this agreement is adhered to by those parties.
Master may instruct slave to serve Her with other slaves where slave may have to control other slaves as a dominant alpha-slave, or to submit itself to another alpha-slave.
If there is any disagreement between Master and slave on the term of the contract or any of the clauses or limits within the contract then in all circumstances Master’s decision is final.
Alterations to the contract must be agreed with Master and slave and an amended contract with the agreed change must be signed. The term of the contract will not change as a result of any amendment unless agreed by Master and slave. Master, or slave, can veto changes.
4.1 Unsafe or Illegal Acts
Master will not submit slave to any unsafe acts, sexual or otherwise, including no scat. If any needles are used they will be sterile and antiseptic wipes will be used before and after. Master will not cut slave in any way that would lead to an unsafe loss of blood. Master will not leave slave in bondage unattended for more than 15 minutes. Master will cease any breathplay if any distinguishable song is hummed. This does not limit any oral use, anal use (with a condom if there is any risk of disease transmission) or drinking Master’s piss.
Master will not submit slave to any illegal acts, sexual or otherwise, including public nudity/indecent exposure without consulting slave, and no acts with children or animals will be performed.
Master will not knowingly expose slave to any sexually transmitted infections/viruses.
4.3 Work and Family
Master will not submit slave to any actions that may result in it losing its job or seriously impacting relationships with its family. Master will not submit slave to any actions that seriously detract from slave’s job performance.
5 LAPSE, TERMINATION AND BREACH OF THE CONTRACT
This contract will run for one calendar year from the start date (the term of the contract) after which time the contract will lapse and the slave is freed of its slavery to Master as defined in this contract. Master and slave are free to negotiate any new contract or to not continue the relationship.
Master has the right to terminate the contract at any time during the term of the contract.
slave has no right to terminate the contract until the term of the contract is complete.
Master has the right to severely punish slave for any breach of contract.
If Master breaches any of Her responsibilities or slave’s limits as defined in this contract then this contract is automatically terminated and slave is released from its slavery to Master if it so desires.
5.4 Goods and Assets
Any goods slave buys for Master or any goods it brings into its home for Master’s personal use or for Her use on slave will remain Master’s property at the lapse, termination, breach or transfer of the contract.
I hereby agree to be bound by the clauses and limits of this contract of voluntary slavery for the agreed term of the contract (one year from the agreed start date) between the two parties identified as Master and slave below.
Furthermore I agree that this contract will be held by Master and in the event of conflict with any other versions held securely online or elsewhere then the version held by Master will be deemed to be the authoritative copy.
Master: ______ _______________ Date: 13/11/2012
slave: _______ ______________ Date: 13/11/2012
RULES OF SLAVERY
This document lists the rules of slavery that form part of the contract of voluntary slavery between xxxxx xxxxx herein referred to as, “Sir“, “She” “Master” or the related form “Sir’s“, etc., and xxxxx xxxxx will herein be referred to as “slave“, “sex slave“, “pain slave“, “houseboy” or “it” and the related forms “its” or “itself“.
This document consists of eight main sections with a number of sub-sections and then individual rules within in each of those sub-sections. All rules apply equally. If for any reason one or more rules may conflict in a given situation then slave must immediately seek instruction from Sir as to how it should proceed.
slave has surrendered all its free will to Sir and exists as a slave only at the grace of Sir. The purpose of this document is to define the rules that Sir requires, expects and demands slave to live and abide by at all times and in all situations for the duration of the associated contract of voluntary slavery document.
Sir will enforce these rules with all the authority over slave granted, and gifted, to Her in the associated contract of voluntary slavery document. slave can expect to be severely punished, in whatever manner deemed appropriate by Sir for each and every breach of these rules.
slave must report each and every breach of these rules to Master.
Sir may add, remove or amend any rules in this rules of slavery document at any time either verbally, by SMS text message, email or any other form of communication. Any such new, removed or changed rules take effect immediately when issued by Sir.
slave must acknowledge any changes of rules back to Master immediately they are received via the same verbal, text or email media in which they were issued.
slave is responsible for updating this rules of slavery document with any new, removed or changed rules within a reasonable time period.
slave will not have any form of submissive relationship with any other person – including online relationships except as defined in clause 8 below.
slave is allowed to talk to other slaves/subs/bottoms online about any subject including slave arranging training of its fellow slave as a potential sub-slave for Sir. slave must inform Master of any training that might take place.
slave is allowed to talk to women online, including those identifying themselves as a Mistress/Dom/Top, about any subject but when discussing BDSM, slavery and control lifestyles any requests for service will be subject to clause 8 below.
Sir has the right to inspect all SMS texts, emails, letters and any other correspondence, personal or otherwise, sent or received by slave.
slave must always be available to serve Sir and must ask permission for any activities other than work including, but not limited to, visiting friends or family, going out for a drink or to the cinema or going on holiday when slave and Sir are in the same country. Sir will however not cut slave off from family and friends by routinely refusing slave permission to visit them unless She has another use for slave either remotely or in person or slave is being punished.
slave must inform Sir of any work commitments outside of normal office hours as soon as they are known. Sir acknowledges slave is always on-call for work and may occasionally get called. slave is permitted to take calls without seeking permission outside of meal times, play time and sex. slave will not take calls during play time or sex. slave must ask permission to take calls during meal times, and must give forewarning if it knows that a phone call will be happening around a meal time.
slave has no privacy and must be completely honest and reveal everything to Master about its actions, thoughts and feelings.
slave has no physical privacy unless explicitly granted by Master and may never shut itself away from Master by closing any doors other barriers for any reason except defecation.
3 GENERAL ROUTINE
slave will not masturbate, cum or have any sexual release without express permission from Sir.
Sir may choose to keep slave in chastity, if necessary enforcing this with a 24/7 chastity device, for any period of time up to the term of the contract defined in the current contract of voluntary slavery. If a chastity device is used slave will have a tamper-proof mechanism of removing the device in an emergency.
Sir may inspect any chastity device at any time to ensure compliance.
Except in an emergency, any chastity device may only be removed with Sir’s permission. Minor problems such as discomfort or chafing etc are not emergencies and should be reported to Sir at the next opportunity and She will decide what action, if any, is required.
If slave needs to travel through an airport or visit the doctor etc then it must report this to Sir and agree how any chastity device is to be, temporarily, removed. Activities such as visiting the gym, going swimming or running do not constitute acceptable reasons for slave to request temporary removal of any device.
slave must keep itself clean at all times. When with Sir, She will determine the cleanliness regime. When away from Sir the regime must include a daily shower, and teeth cleaning in the morning and evening.
slave, unless instructed otherwise by Sir, must keep its body hair and pubic hair neat.
slave must ask permission before it gets a haircut and must keep its hair short but not shaved.
slave will douche and plug as often as Sir requires.
slave is required to wear its collar at all times, unless instructed otherwise by Sir.
Sir currently sets no limits on what slave spends the money it is allowed (including on groceries, clothes, household goods, gifts, books, DVDs, bondage/punishment equipment) provided slave reports expenditures to Sir upon Sir’s request. slave will not make large purchases without first consulting Sir.
Although currently suspended Sir could set a weekly cash allowance for Her slave. Sir may set this allowance as high, or as low (including to zero), as She wants provided slave stays healthy and has enough basic provisions to feed itself one nutritious meal a day. slave will also always be able to spend what is necessary to get to work at an appropriate time.
3.4 Geographic Limitations
slave is free to travel to and from work without restriction.
slave is free to travel to and from the shops in and around Hong Kong without restriction.
When Sir and slave are in the same location, slave must get permission from Sir before making any other movements such as to the cinema, going out for drinks or to travel for reasons other than work, shopping or direct service to Sir within Hong Kong. slave will seek permission before traveling for reasons outside of work unless surprising Sir with a visit. Sir does not need to give any reason for refusing permission for slave to travel and slave has no right to ask for one.
Sir may restrict slave’s movements through command or physically by bondage or caging for any period of time up to the term of the contract within the limits of the contract of voluntary slavery (specifically slave is allowed to work and not to be cut-off from all contact with friends and family).
4 DAILY ROUTINE
slave will ask what Sir would like it to wear when slave and Sir are home alone together.
slave is currently allowed to use all the furniture and all equipment in its flat when alone without restriction except the toilet seat.
slave must ask permission before using any furniture when Sir is home.
slave will make breakfast (including coffee) every morning or procure breakfast, unless instructed otherwise by Sir.
4.2 Physical Health
slave will maintain an attractive physique for Sir’s pleasure. Sir may give slave exercise requirements whenever She sees fit.
slave will drink moderately. slave is allowed to determine its own rules in this regard, but Sir may change them if they are deemed insufficient.
slave will maintain a healthy diet. it knows that its body belongs to Sir, and thus should be treated with reverence and care.
slave must kneel beside the bed and ask permission from Sir to sleep in it whenever sleeping in the same bed. slave must never assume it has the right to sleep in the bed.
5 COMMUNICATION PROTOCOLS
5.1 Written Communication
slave will always refer to Sir as “Sir”. The words “Sir“, “She“, “Her” or any other word referring to Sir will always start with a capital letter and “slave“, “it“, “its” and “itself” when referring to slave should always be in lowercase. slave will refrain from using capital letters when referring to itself. Failure to do so will not result in punishment, but slave is expected to conform to these standards when possible. slave is allowed to use the word i, but should still use lowercase when employing this pronoun.
5.2 Verbal Communication
slave will always answer Master with “Yes Sir”, “No Sir” or “Thank you Sir” as appropriate when they are alone together. Words like “Okay” or just “yes”, “no” or “thank you” are not acceptable.
slave will always ask for things with the phrase “Sir, please may Your slave”.
6 SERVING SIR
Sir may choose for any period of time (up to the term of the contract) to require slave to ask permission for any independent actions while in Her presence including such things as moving, scratching, bodily functions like urinating or defecating or sleeping. Sir may choose to deny the request and slave must wait a reasonable time before asking again. If Sir is asleep slave may not wake Sir just for its needs (but may use the toilet in an emergency).
slave may not eat or drink anything in Sir’s presence without explicit permission from Sir. Once permission is granted, said drink or meal may be consumed without asking again for permission. In public when slave and Sir are eating alone slave will ask permission by looking at Sir and awaiting Her nod. When eating and drinking with others, slave does not have to seek permission.
6.2 In Public
This section applies to any location not defined as private, by Master or explicitly in section 6.3.
slave will retain respect for Sir at all times but will not, through this, draw attention to itself as a slave.
slave will walk slightly behind Sir at all times except when in an environment where slave is introducing Sir to new people.
slave is not a free man and as such will treat all third-parties with respect at all times unless instructed otherwise. This includes all adults irrespective of their age, job or attitude and applies to other slaves, subs or bottoms.
6.3 In Private
While Sir is in the apartment where slave lives then this becomes, for the purpose of these rules, Sir’s home and slave will act in accordance with the rules defined in this section. Sir may also, at Her discretion define any other location, where both She and slave are present, as Her home and require slave to act as per the rules defined in this section – this can include public locations such as bondage, fetish or S&M clubs.
Sir is free to determine the definition of private irrespective of any third parties that may be present and require slave to act in accordance with the rules in this section. If only other slaves or Masters are present (as defined by Sir) then this is automatically defined as private and the rules in this section apply.
slave will kneel as soon as it enters Sir’s home and will not stand until instructed to do so by Sir. If Sir and slave are coming home together, slave will remove Sir’s shoes and kiss Sir’s feet.
After standing, slave will get Sir water or confirm that Sir already has a sufficient amount of water. slave is responsible for keeping Sir’s water bottle full at all times.
slave will ask what Sir would like it to wearafter serving Sir Her water.
slave will not use any furniture without permission and will stay on the floor unless instructed otherwise.
Unless instructed otherwise slave will not touch computers, the DVD player, TV (and remotes) and ipods without permission. slave is allowed to turn off electrical equipment and lighting to save energy bills when not required by Sir or when Sir determines it is time to sleep. slave will not use its phone for non-work purposes without permission when in Master’s presence. slave may use any of the aforementioned technology when Master is absent or sleeping, but must ask permission to use them upon Master’s return/waking.
Unless instructed otherwise slave may not perform any bodily functions (urinating or defecating) without explicit permission from Sir. If Sir is asleep and has not instructed slave otherwise it may make use of the toilet.
After completing any action slave will stand with feet spread hip distance apart, back straight, and hands palms up on its thighs in front of Master with its eyes down to await any further instructions. slave will also consider this its natural position and return to it in the absence of any other instructions.
While being punished slave will only make vocalizations it thinks would please Sir, but will be gagged if it gets too noisy or for Master’s pleasure.
Sleeping in Sir’s bed is a privilege that could be withdrawn at any time and slave may be told to sleep on the floor or in a cage. slave will normally be expected to sleep in bondage unless given permission otherwise.
slave may be locked in metal, leather or rope bondage, or locked in a cage, for long periods of time. In addition, slave will wear its metal collar at all times unless instructed otherwise.
slave will not remove any items put on it and will not touch any keys or locks without permission from Sir.
Any housework slave is told to do, as Sir’s houseboy may be inspected by Sir and slave will be punished if it is not up to the standard Sir expects.
slave will keep an open posture at all times while serving Sir. slave will make its body available for Sir’s use at all times moving to give Sir better or easier access as required e.g. moving its chest forward when Sir wishes to use nipple clamps etc.
slave may only use the bathroom with permission from Sir. Sir may deny permission for as long as She wants but Sir will abide by the rules of the contract of voluntary slavery to keep Her slave healthy.
slave has no right to be released from punishment, bondage or caging for toilet or bathroom breaks but Sir will abide by the rules of the contract of voluntary slavery to keep Her slave healthy.
In a private space slave may not close the door to the bathroom or toilet while urinating unless given permission to do so by Master. slave may close the bathroom door when defecating.
slave must always sit down to urinate to remind it of its status as slave. Except in a public toilet, slave must not use the toilet seat and must use the rim of the toilet bowl to sit on.
7.1 For Rule Breaking
slave will be punished for any breach of the contract of voluntary slavery
slave will be punished for breaking any of rules of slavery defined in this document.
slave cannot stop any punishment no matter how long or severe although slave will always be safe and the limits defined in the contract of voluntary slavery will always be applied.
slave will be expected to comply fully with Sir’s wishes or incur further punishment.
In all matters relating to punishment Sir’s decision is final and any attempt by slave to influence or change that decision will result in further severe punishment.
7.2 Refusal to Obey
slave may only refuse to obey an instruction if it breaches the limits or rules defined in the contract of voluntary slavery.
If slave cannot immediately obey an instruction it must kneel in front of Sir and state why it cannot complete the instruction and submit itself for punishment.
7.3 Regular Beatings
Sir will routinely severely punish slave in order to remind it of its status as a pain slave and to continually train it to better serve Sir and to be a better slave.
7.4 For Sir’s Pleasure
slave may be severely punished purely for Sir’s pleasure, and slave cannot stop the punishment although slave will always be safe and the limits defined in the contract of voluntary slavery will always be applied.
slave may also be severely punished by any third party authorized by Sir if it pleases Her. slave cannot stop the punishment although slave will always be safe and the limits defined in the contract of voluntary slavery will always be applied.
7.5 Punishment Protocols
Standard punishment for slave for an offence it commits will be hard strokes of the punishment cane. Sir may alter the punishment at Her discretion as She feels appropriate.
For an offence defined, by Master, as serious then slave will receive a beating which will be as long and hard, with as many implements and in as many positions as Sir deems appropriate.
Anger from slave for whatever reason, including using it to try to regain control of a situation will not be tolerated. Any display of anger by slave is a serious offence that will not end a session or punishment and, when the anger has passed, will result in punishment or further punishment.
Sir may choose to punish slave for any reason and change the rules governing punishment at any time.
8 THIRD PARTIES
8.1 Controlling Parties
Master has the right to nominate any other person or persons, as controlling parties over slave, for any period of time up to the term of the contract, with all Her rights and privileges as outlined in the contract of voluntary slavery.
8.2 Other Masters or slaves
slave will treat all other Masters/Mistresses/Doms/Tops with the utmost respect at all times but will never serve them, in any way, without explicit permission from Master.
If slave is approached by another Master/Mistress/Dom/Top in person, while Sir is in the same location it will politely inform the other Master it is not available to serve as it is the property of Sir and that they should enquire with Her if they would like to make use of it (exercising clause 8.1.1 above).
If slave is approached by another Mistress/Domme/Top in writing, online or via text or email will politely inform them that it is the property of Sir and that they should enquire with Her if they would like to make use of it (exercising clause 8.1.1 above).
Edward has now been in chastity for around two weeks, and we’re really enjoying it. It makes him even more attentive than usual (though he’s pretty attentive to begin with), and makes him feel more mine. I was expecting those aspects of it because others have talked about going through similar processes. One thing I wasn’t expecting, however, was the effect it would have on me: him behaving more submissively actually seems to make me more excited about dominating him. I’m more likely to get distracted and aroused by thoughts of further ways to strip him of his feeling like his body is his own.
I went to visit him this past weekend after he’d been in chastity for around 10 days. As you might imagine, he was very happy to see me. He met me at the airport with stockings, a garter belt, and a butt plug on under his clothes. The latter was under my instruction, the rest was his effort to please me. We had a lovely brunch, and then went home. He removed my shoes and kissed my feet as he always does. We had to talk to his parents soon, so we knew we might not have time to have much sex yet. We made out with our clothes still on, rubbing up against each other, enjoying the feel of each others’ bodies. I took off my shirt and jeans, slipped my soft packing cock into my panties, and enjoyed watching him suck it for awhile. I removed his jeans and shirt to see his lingerie. He rubbed his caged cock against my free one from inside his panties, which felt very good. I had him remove my bra so I could feel his chest against mine. How I love that feeling. We continued kissing each other deeply and grinding against one another until it was time to talk get dressed and talk to his parents.
After meeting his parents for the first time on Skype, we got undressed again. I told him he had to make me come solely by biting my breasts before he could touch my cunt (I can come from pain). He licked, sucked, nibbled, and gnawed until I was convulsing in ecstasy. By then I was very wet and I let him feel as much. I told him how hot it made me to see him locked up and longing for me; how proud I was to have him as my slave. Before letting him lick me I strapped the cock gag to his face and rode it until I was squirting into his eyes, and all over his hairy chest. I asked him whether he wanted to lick me and of course he gave me an enthusiastic affirmative. I took the gag off, slowly lowered my cunt to his mouth and let him lick my labia, my clit, and my sopping wet hole. I filled his mouth with come until it started dripping down his cheeks and into his hair. Eventually, sated, I lay down beside him, kissed his dripping lips, and lay my head on his shoulder.
We looked into each others’ eyes and talked about how lucky we are to have each other – someone we are so compatible with both inside the bedroom and out; someone equally unusual and marvelous; someone who understands. I was planning on proposing to him in November, one year from when I first put him in his collar, but this moment seemed too perfect to let pass. I asked him to marry me, and he said yes. We had been planning on napping then, (I had come there on a 6:30 am flight) but now we were too excited. We reveled in the feeling that we get each other forever. We luxuriated in the realization that this is only the beginning. We were in a state of utter bliss – laughing and crying with joy intermittently. It was a lovely moment.
He asked me if I would let him out of chastity so he could feel me from the inside even if I wouldn’t let him come. I joked that I wasn’t going to let him out till our wedding night. Then, more seriously, I told him that first I was going to be inside of him. He went to remove the butt plug and clean his ass out while I strapped on my favorite double ended dildo with my harness to allow me to relax and fuck him as hard as I want while being able to get a lot of feeling too. I warmed his ass up first by slipping one, two, three fingers inside of him. Then I lubed up my cock and entered slowly with him on his back and his legs on my shoulders. I started languidly, then gradually increased my pace and force. I kissed him, spat on him, and pulled his hair. I came as I fucked him. Then I rolled onto my back. I wanted to watch him ride my cock. I wanted to see him hungry for my dick. I enjoyed watching him slide up and down me, experiencing both pain and pleasure, and not being able to touch himself because of the chastity device. Eventually it was obvious that it was more pain than pleasure, and I let him stop. We delighted in the fact that we will have the rest of our lives to do that. I want to make him come without touching his cock someday.
After holding him for awhile, I caned him. We have a rule that he must always sit down at home when peeing without the luxury of a toilet seat. A couple of months ago I found out that he hadn’t been doing so when I wasn’t around. In our rules, it wasn’t clear that he had to do it when I wasn’t there, so I told him that from that point forth he was going to sit without a toilet seat at home, regardless of my presence. He had forgotten this conversation, and persisted in using the toilet seat. He received 120 strokes – one for each time he would have peed at home. After that he kneeled in front of me, apologized, thanked me for correcting him and making him a better slave, and kissed my feet.
It was then time to let him out of his cage. He washed his cock, and I felt his nude body against mine for the first time in a month. His cock was raw in places where he had swelled against the CB6000*. That combined with just the excitement of my touching him made him shiver each time I lightly caressed his cock. I lubed him up so that I could enjoy him rubbing against my clitoris. He begged to be inside of me, and eventually I enthusiastically took him in, with him on top. It was hard for him to thrust for very long without coming, so I kept him deep inside of me as he bit my neck hard. I pressed my pelvis up against him as he did so, and felt myself contracting around him. We did this a few times before I let him resume thrusting, and then finally let him come with me
We then showered, dressed, and went out to a delicious dinner with champagne to celebrate. I imagine that’s different from the way that most people get engaged, but for us it was perfect.
*It seems the CB6000 is a bit too small for him. Anyone out there have recommendations for a good device for a large cock that isn’t too heavy? He’s around 4 and 3/4 inches when flaccid, but doesn’t have huge balls, so many devices that are large enough for his cock will slip off because of the weight.
I have mentioned that I would never put a sub in permanent chastity, but this does not mean that I have no interest in chastity play. Right now my slave lives a shortish plane ride away from me. This has a lot of cons. However, it does enable me to put him into chastity without taunting myself any more than I do normally when I cannot indulge in his physical presence. My usual problem with chastity is that I want him just as much as he wants me, and his cock is one of my favorite parts of him. Thus, when he’s in chastity, I kind of feel like I am too (I know, I know, I still get to masturbate and receive digital and oral pleasure, but after awhile I just really want his cock). We are allowed to see other people, but I generally don’t when he’s around. We have threesomes on occasion, but that’s about it.
When we’re in separate places, it’s a horse of a different color. I am more likely to have sex with others on my own, and I can’t have any part of his body anyways. Thus, I get to really tease him – tease him till his cock strains against its plastic cage trying to get hard – while I am teased no more than usual. This is the first time I’ve put him into a chastity device (though there’s been plenty of orgasm denial), so it will be interesting to see how it goes. I will be sure to keep you updated!
A few posts back I discussed performative masculinity, and how to move beyond it. Today I want to discuss the difficulties posed by the intersection of expectations for males and females combined with expectations for dominants and submissives. I’ve hinted at this in previous posts, but here I want to address it head on. It’s difficult as a female dom or a male sub to figure out your own identity and your place in ‘the scene’ because your prescribed roles are in conflict. To be performatively feminine is to be submissive, and to be performatively masculine is to be dominant. By choosing or feeling yourself led to a place of feminine dominance or masculine submission, you are entering a no-man’s land where expectations are unclear and by your mere existence you are subversive. This is both a blessing and a curse.
Bottom: A bottom may be male or female. Within BDSM, the bottom is the partner who is the recipient of such acts as bondage, discipline (e.g. flogging) or humiliation. A top performs acts such as these upon the bottom. In the context of human sexual behaviour, especially anal sex among gay men, the bottom is the receiving partner, or a person who prefers the receiving role. However, the activities between a top and bottom need not include the sex act.Top: A top may be male or female. Within BDSM, the top is the giver of such acts as bondage, discipline (e.g. flogging) or humiliation upon their partner, usually a bottom. In the context of human sexual behaviour, especially anal sex among gay men, the top is the giving partner, or a person who prefers the giving/active role. However, the activities between a top and bottom need not include the sex act.
Dominant: As an adjective, “being” dominant is about exercising influence or control. Governing matters; being in charge. Predisposed to taking over and wanting to maintain power.
Submissive: As an adjective, “being” submissive is wanting to or being willing to submit to orders or wishes of another.
Switch: In BDSM, a switch is someone who participates in BDSM activities as both a top and a bottom, or possibly both a Dom and a sub. A switch will be the top on some occasions and the bottom on other occasions. Switches are very common; partners may switch roles based on mood, desire, or being with a different partner.
Let’s look at the ‘act like man box’, the ‘act like a woman box’, the ‘act like a dominant box’ and the ‘act like a sub box’. The first is mostly taken from Charlie Glickman’s ‘act like a man box‘, which was created through workshops wherein people were asked to describe a ‘real man’. I created the subsequent boxes based on what I think people are often saying when they tell someone to act more feminine, dominant, or submissive, respectively.
The BDSM Hierarchy
As you can see, how to act like a man neatly maps onto how to act like a dom, and how to act like a woman neatly maps onto how to act like a sub. In this way, heterosexual M/f couples (male dominant, female submissive) wherein the man is a sadist (enjoys giving pain), and the female a masochist (enjoys receiving pain) can easily perform their two roles flawlessly at the same time. This is exemplified by the wildly popular Fifty Shades of Grey. This book is able to be so easily consumed because it doesn’t trample on anyone’s preconceived notions of what it means to be male or female, dominant or submissive. The M/f couple then, can be at the top of the BDSM hierarchy, with the male dominant on top of course because he’s dominant (and dominants are supposed to be superior).
Where do female dominants and male submissives land in this hierarchy? Female dominants get a higher place in the BDSM hierarchy than male submissives because even though they are stepping outside of the ‘act like a woman box’ 1) they too are dominants, which are intrinsically better than submissives according to our boxes, and 2) they are taking on masculine traits, which lifts their status rather than lowers it. Therefore, the hierarchy is topped by male dominants, then female dominants, then female submissives, and then male submissives. The latter group find themselves at the bottom of the heap because, like female dominants, they cannot reconcile their two roles, but unlike femdoms their new role takes them down a peg rather than boosting them up the ladder. The fact that their desires and behavior go outside of the ‘act like a man box’ threatens all men who are concerned with performing masculinity, but particularly dominant ones. It makes them more aware of the man box, and more dedicated to staying inside of it. In fact, most people who are not dominant women (or dominant gay men) are disconcerted by them because they are willingly forsaking their privileged role. In this way, submissive men are devalued. This is why male submissives end up as the ultimate joke, as we see in Pulp Fiction: they make everyone who is performing their gender uncomfortable.
It seems the F/m couple get the short end of the stick, but this doesn’t have to be the case. While an M/f couple might easily fall into their roles since the prescriptions for both their sex and their power dynamic are in line, an F/m couple is forced to more carefully pick and choose what they want. As an analogy, the M/f couple are able to pick out a suit from a rack at a store. It might not fit them perfectly, but it fits well enough that they don’t really notice the imperfections, or they make a few minor adjustments. The F/m couple on the other hand, is an entirely unconventional shape. They have to go to a bespoke tailor because nothing on the rack fits. Going bespoke costs more emotionally and psychologically. However, in the end, they come out with a suit that fits perfectly. An M/f couple is able to lead an unexamined life, for the F/m couple, that is nearly impossible.
Throwing out the bad
Trying to ‘act like a female’ and ‘act like a dominant’ at the same time can lead to some strange combinations that can be dissatisfying to those involved. I’ve mentioned before the frigid ice queen archetype who maintains her lack of sexual desire, but combines it with sadism and controlling her partner’s orgasm (often giving him none). This is fine if it’s what a woman actually wants, but all too often it is construed as how a dominant woman is supposed to behave. Even in non-kinky contexts women are told that in order to maintain control over their man, they need to withhold sex. I find this idea repugnant, and in my experience it is simply false. I have sex with my submissives early and often, and yet somehow they still do exactly what I tell them to. It’s almost as if their desire for sex isn’t the only thing that dictates their behavior! I have explained before that I would never put my submissive in permanent chastity because I enjoy riding his cock too much, and I know I’m not the only female dominant who has penetrative sex with her partner for fun. A woman only loses power when she has sex if her partner is a douchebag who thinks that sex is the only thing a woman has to offer and/or that a woman is spoiled goods once she’s been fucked. Why would a woman want to control a man who thinks either of those things? Many of the attributes in the ‘act like a woman box’ are ridiculous and should be (and fortunately are slowly being) discarded. This isn’t to say that a woman should want sex all the time, but rather, she shouldn’t feel like less of a woman if she does.
Similarly, trying to ‘act like a man’ and ‘act like a submissive’ can lead to some strange results too. For example, some men overcompensate by being an asshole (violent, competitive, and angry) to everyone but their dominant. This doesn’t solve any problems. Other men forsake the ‘act like a man box’ altogether and portray themselves as useless worms ripe for humiliation. As I’ve said before, and I’m sure I’ll say again, what fun is it bringing a man to his knees if he was never standing tall to begin with? Confidence and a comfort in one’s own skin are attractive traits in anyone, male or female, dom or sub. While we shouldn’t try to stay inside of our boxes, we also shouldn’t try to stay entirely outside of them because that can be equally limiting.
Keeping what works
Just like with the ‘act like a man box’, the best way to conquer all of these boxes is not by rejecting them flat-out, becoming the reciprocal of what the box indicates, but rather by picking and choosing what works for you. Rejecting the box can make one feel just as trapped as trying to conform to it. As Glickman describes,
They had to do everything that was inside the [Act Like a Man] Box. I couldn’t do anything that was inside the Box. They couldn’t show sadness or fear. I couldn’t show anger. They had to be aggressive. I became really passive. They had to make their needs come before other peoples’. I wouldn’t state my needs or desires, and I never let myself come first.
A woman doesn’t have to reject everything in the ‘act like a woman box’ in order to be dominant, and a man doesn’t have to reject everything in the ‘act like a man box’ in order to be submissive. Neither do they have to conform to everything in the ‘act like a dominant’ or ‘act like a submissive’ boxes. This applies to M/f, F/f, and M/m couples too, but I will be focusing on what this looks like in the context of an F/m relationship.
Many women enjoy conforming to the ‘act like a woman box’ to some extent, and want to maintain that femininity while being dominant. Similarly, many submissive men like being masculine in some respects. For example, a female dominant might enjoy being nurturing, romantic and wearing make-up most days. None of these things are actually in conflict with being dominant, so have at it! Some submissive men might like being muscular, assertive, and decisive. This doesn’t actually prevent them from obeying their dominant, so there’s no conflict. The same goes for deciding how to be dominant and submissive. You say you like tying men up and jumping their bones, but don’t want to fuck them in the ass? Not a problem. You like both biting and being bitten? You’re both going to have some bruises to hide. The only thing that should dictate what happens within any D/s relationship is the interests and consent of the two (or three, or four, or more) people involved. Don’t let yourself get boxed in or boxed out.
Guidelines for making your own bespoke D/s relationship
Here are some guidelines for creating a D/s relationship that uniquely suits your own and your partner’s needs and desires. They are not necessarily meant to be followed in order. Many people, for example, only figure out what kind of D/s they are interested in after finding that someone else is interested in it. This list is not exhaustive, but can be applied to any relationship regardless of sex or orientation.
1) Identify what interests you about D/s. Is it the service aspect? Do you love suffering for someone else’s enjoyment? Does it make you hot when you tell someone what to do and they comply? Is your greatest fantasy having someone dictate what you wear and how you behave in order to please them (slave training)? Whatever the crucial part of your desires are, make sure these are being met by your partner, regardless of your role.
2) Find someone with interests that are similar or reciprocal to your own. Whether it’s online (Fetlife, CollarMe, Informed Consent, OK Cupid), at a munch, through a friend, or through your local polyamoury group, kinky people tend to be more comfortable with their whole selves when they can be with someone who accepts and appreciates all of them.
3) Don’t be afraid to experiment. Fascinated by bondage, but don’t know whether you want to tie or be tied? Try both! Your girlfriend says she’ll let you fuck her in the ass if you let her fuck you in the ass? Go for it!
4) Don’t let fear dictate your actions. As an example, if a man doesn’t want a plug in his ass because he’s afraid it will hurt or tear, that’s one thing. However, if he’s afraid that it will make him less of a man, that’s another. Being afraid of being less manly is equivalent to saying that being female is inferior to being male. Being afraid that it will make you gay is similar.There’s nothing wrong with being gay, so why should you be afraid that something would make you appear gay? Furthermore, liking things in your ass doesn’t make you gay. Avoiding things because you fear they will make you seem feminine, gay, or submissive reinforces sexism, homophobia, and domism.
5) Communicate, communicate, communicate. Have an ongoing conversation about your kinky likes and dislikes. They may evolve and change – in fact, they probably will.
6) Explore novel ways to have sex. No sex act is inherently dominant or submissive. Experiment with ways to keep the power dynamic even when doing something that ‘doms don’t do’. For example, giving a blow job might not seem very dominant at first, but when you add in a man begging you to lick them and begging you to come, you’d be amazed at how it’s magically transformed into a dominant act.
As Cat Stevens would say,
You can do what you want
The opportunity’s on
And if you find a new way
You can do it today
You can make it all true
And you can make it undo
Whether you’re male, female, trans, genderqueer, intersex, gay, straight, or pansexual, the way that you do D/s is up to you and those you play with. Don’t let boxes get in the way of your bedroom fun. Try to find your authentic desires, and don’t let your fears get in the way of realizing them. To do so is letting down not just yourself, but also others who would benefit from playing in a world without performative boxes.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to PWN, Edward, and my roomate for helping me edit this.
I got this message a few days back, and figured that this isn’t an entirely uncommon situation, so I’m publishing our dialogue (with her consent). If anyone wants some advice I’m always happy to give it if I can, or point you towards some resources if I can’t. For the purposes of this post, we’ll call her Esmeralda.
I hope you don’t mind, but I was wondering if you could offer some advice? From the research I’ve done, I guess I’d define myself as straight-up Vanilla. Recently I’ve come into contact with a man who is into BDSM, and he mentioned wanting me to dominate him.
Now, I should be honest and admit I have no idea what that entails! He mentioned that he was not sadistic, and that he has previously always held the post of Master… I don’t know what he hopes I can provide, but the more I learn the more tempted I am. I am kind-hearted and docile by nature, and I don’t think I’d be able to hurt him.
I keep trying to find out more, but it’s so confusing. Is there a way to dominate him, without pain? I could do with like, non-violent acts, ropes and wax for instance, and I enjoy being a tease. I don’t think I could handle sodomy or excretions, some light spanking would be about as far as I would be willing to go. Based on his preferences, do you think this is enough? Is there a way to meet his needs without pushing my boundaries?
Hope to hear back! Loved your blog, it’s really been helpful in navigating this unfamiliar terrain…
There are certainly ways to dominate without too much pain. As you mentioned, bondage is one avenue. Light spankings and wax play are also things to try if you want to explore light pain. If you are going to try wax play, use a white unscented paraffin candle and try not to pool the wax in one place too much. Coloured, scented candles burn at a higher temperature and dripping multiple drops in the same place within a short span of time can lead to a more intense burning sensation. For more information on wax play go here.
Teasing is a great avenue if that’s one that you enjoy. Bondage + teasing can be a lot of fun. Sensation play is also a nice combination with bondage (and teasing too). Tying your boyfriend to a chair, blindfolding him and running scarves along his body, then a refrigerated butter knife (sounds strange, but it will feel sharp to him and you’ll know you can’t do any damage with it), then parts of your body/lips/tongue works well. If you feel comfortable you could also slap his inner thighs lightly or run your fingernails along him.
Another part of domination can be him serving you. You could make him clean, bring you drinks, make you breakfast, give you massages. However you and he like it. Is there something you would like for him to wear or some way that you’d like for him to prepare for sex that he’s not currently doing? Maybe you really like it when he wears a certain kind of underwear or think you might like it if he waxed his genitals. As part of our daily routine, Edward makes me breakfast each morning and puts on and takes of my shoes when we go out together. When he does so, he kisses my feet. These things are called rituals, and they tend to reinforce a feeling of you dominating him in a gentle way. He and I have a 24/7 dynamic you may not want, particularly when you’re just starting to explore. Perhaps you would like to have a pampering night where he bathes you, massages you, and gives you a pedicure (although it can take some work to teach a guy how to do this well!) or kisses your entire body, leaving no square inch unappreciated.
Chastity is another option for those who aren’t really interested in pain, but are fascinated by control. By controlling his orgasms he may become more attentive and more invested in your pleasure. Personally, I don’t like using a chastity device when I’m living with my boyfriend because I like having constant access to his cock, but I do like controlling his orgasms. The only downside is having to pause multiple times throughout penetrative vaginal sex because it will be harder for him to not orgasm the longer he goes without it. However, if, like many women, you actually prefer receiving oral sex to vaginal sex, then there’s not much of an issue. I love vaginal sex, but it can be fun to challenge yourself to be more creative. You can explore manual stimulation, sex toys, oral sex, etc.
Think about what, if any of this, interests you, and then have a conversation with him. If you want to look at how several different dominant women got into domination, and what aspects of it they like you can go here. See where your interests overlap. Not every guy who is into submitting is into pain or service or any other individual aspect of it, just as not every dominant is into pegging (i.e. a woman sodomizing a man). You also need to discuss when the domination will happen. Are you both ok with you just bossing him around at any given time or should it just be in the bedroom or at least in private? How often would you both like this to happen? Do you want vanilla sex most of the time with this thrown in once a month or something like that? Would that work for him too? And finally, don’t feel pressured to do anything you’re really not interested in. It’s good to try new things, but if you try it and you really don’t like it, you don’t have to keep doing it. Dominating someone should be something that gives you both pleasure: you in an immediate way, him in a maybe-not-this-moment-but-obeying-is-hot kind of way.
P. S. Would you mind if I posted your question and my answer in my blog? I’d like people to know that they can ask questions if they like. I’d be happy to take your name out if that would make you more comfortable.
Sure, feel free! Thank you for all your help, I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes.